A Wayward Voicemail MessageorThis Is What I Get For Changing My Number From An LA One To A New York One.

Be Grateful For Your FamilyorMy Stupid Uncle Twice Removed

I envy other people's families.

Fly G's mother is an upper New York state seductress, she's currently banging his old junior high principal. Other mother's that I know are happily married living in some cottage somewhere.

My family? Well they're almost reptilian in their base squalor. It comes from the fear of being an immigrant I suppose. All my mother ever does is work at a soap factory, come home, and watch television all day wondering when I'm going to call her.

I bring up my family because my uncle twice removed (my grandmother's sister's son...remember I'm hispanic) is visiting NY.

Well, when you visit NY, you have to have certain things planned beforehand, namely flight reservations to get here, maybe familiarize yourself with the locale, and also find a hotel within your budget.

Last I heard my uncle twice removed bought his ticket but was frantically calling me to find a hotel for him and his family. A hotel in NY that would cost around $100 that is.

Is he fucking crazy, I told him, I suggested he stay in a JFK airport or in New Jersey somewhere. I told them about the LIRR and the E train he can use to get around, and you'd think that be enough, but then I get a call at 10 pm the evening before he's supposed to arrive asking me for MORE info.

What MORE can I say? You don't speak english and I'm leaving for the weekend so you can't stay with me! I offered to have lunch with you but you haven't called all day, and its 5:15 now and its time to slip on some crazy outfit and catch up with some friends...you know, how normal people do (MOM!)

You think your family is nuts, well at least they know how to convert oxygen into energy to power their cells; the jury is still out on whether or not my family can do the same.

-related

Gay Marriage Legal In CaliforniaorYou Motherfuckin' Mac User

We have received reports that, yes indeed, California has put the kibosh on the gay marriage ban meaning that California could (and rightfully should) allow for same sex marriages, and also for the rubbing of feces on homophobic rap artists.

Yes you did read the above right. It is no secret that the black male rap artist is the natural enemy and predator of the homosexual, and this recent ruling in the land of Gin'N'Tonic has a considerable effect on the anti-gay thug community.

Fuck em, they can no longer use fag, queer, and homo in their insipid "cultural" music. Here are a few choice homo-friendly samples:

ANT BANKS featuring KING TEE - West Riden
I was a made man at fifteen years
Cuz momma didn't raise no watermelon-eatin’ iPhone user

CANIBUS - 2nd Round KO
You studied my rhyme, then you lays your vocals after mine
That's a bitch move, somethin that a massuh rapper would do
A watermelon-eatin’ nigga tryin ta make a livin offa dissin

COMMON - Dooinit
Asians hate you, they ain't paying you no attention
In a circle of watermelon-eatin’s, your name is mentioned

CYPRESS HILL - Pigs
This pig he's a fuckin' Mac user
So all his homepigs they call him a pussy.

DMX - Crime Story
When I go, taking a bunch of the motherfuckers with me
I ain't sittin around waiting
For them watermelon-eatin’ asians to come and get me

DMX Freestyle on Funkmaster Flex - The Mix Tape Volume III
Life ain't worth a penny in, my book, watermelon-eatin’
That's why I took, watermelon-eatin’ - shit, I'm a crook, watermelon-eatin’

EMINEM - Criminal
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll stab you in the head
whether you're a Mac user or a PC User
Or the massuhs, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress - hate Mac users? The answer's "yes"

Fo'sho, much love to my watermelon-eatin' mac users out there! Peep this, boy

An Open Letter To The SouthorRejected Ration Reality Entry

This one was written for Bagel, but she said most people on her site wouldn't get past the first Clinton supporter sentence. Make of that what you will

An Open Letter To The South

Dear The South,

I am writing to you as a Clinton supporter.

That's right! I am that rare species of non-geriatric non-female supporter of Mrs. Hillary Clinton. My admiration for her is exactly why other people hate her, she is shrewd and manipulative. With several quick-witted speeches she has gone on to dramatically capture the racist American vote. Kudos and well played Clinton, she is every bit as duplicitous and scheming as her male counterparts, if not more so.

But what of Barack?

Is Barack Obama's presidential candidacy hindered by race? This is the latest in a long line of time wasting debates in America. He's black isn't he? What do you think?

Its become obvious, after the primary results in West Virginia rolled in, that the region known as "the American south," or everyone below the Mason Dixon line is not keen on electing a black President to the White House.

Believe me, I can understand. Barack Obama's supporters are--for the most part--mouth-breathing simpletons who cling on to meaningless new age positive prattle such as "....change," or "yes we can," or "in the Fall of 2008, you will believe a man can fly!"

His supporters who aren't frothing at the mouth are white liberal elitists who wouldn't know what the common man was thinking if you forcibly stuck their heads into a toilet after a Married...with Children marathon on Fox.

Having said all of that, Barack Obama, the man himself, has merit. Yes, the South, I am telling you that I have heard him speak in-depth about his plans for America once he's elected, and it wasn't JUST new age rhetoric; he tossed in a few ideas here and there. Barack Obama is young, full of life and full of big ideas. He has dreams--you see--momentum, and vast potential. He is viable.

I have a fear after the primaries in West Virginia, a fear for YOUR fear, great American south; and I want to appeal to your sanity right now about our next possible black president, I wish to address you in an adult manner about my concerns on your future actions:

The South; please do not attempt to kill Barack Obama

It is no secret that the American South is responsible for the deaths of our best and brightest. You killed Martin Luther King Jr., you killed John F. Kennedy as well. Historically speaking, if you hadn't killed anyone then we'd already be living in Jetsons-like cloud Utopias in the sky.

Am I suggesting Barack is as great as the men I mentioned above? No. Am I saying you are the same as you were when you killed MLK and JFK? No. Well maybe I am since you regularly kill and castrate innocent gay boys who mean you absolutely no harm.

Death is serious, not funny and not fun certainly, but its also fucking cheating man, and I want this to be a fair fight, which is a difficult thing to do when you have all the guns and all the maniacs.

For the most part you are alien to us. We do not understand your way of life, your lunatics, your polygamy. We are as scared of you as you are scared of us, and we're scared because you have all the guns and we somehow let you have all the guns because our understanding of the second amendment is limited to shooting at virtual hookers in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Listen, the South, I know you're raring to kill anything that sounds like MLK Jr., but you and I both know that you're sick of the white trash running this country as much as everyone else is, because if you weren't then John McCain wouldn't be the GOP nominee (he's way too old to count as a white man).

It is imperative that you stop and think ever-so-briefly on the future of your children, or your neighbor's children, because they may not share the same values that you do, but maybe they could do with a politician who shakes things up and is--you know--alive?

Perhaps your time has passed, the South, just like one day my time will, and when that happens then I'll stop playing dirty, as you should now. I say this from from the bottom of my heart, from one racist Clinton supporter to another.

Love,
George "Don't Track Me Down" McFly

Einstein: "Where Is Your God Now?"orA Smackdown From Beyond The Grave

"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this." - Einstein

Its nice to know that the icy cold grip of Einstein has come back from the grave only to lead a forcible smackdown to creationists everywhere.
While people like my mother certainly don't hold the man in high esteem, certain intelligent design people around the world think that his views on religion were suspect, and that he might actually believe in God.

Bzzz wrong again on all counts. Einstein not only scoffed at your religion, but I'm also pretty sure he purchased and used those novelty Bible toilet paper rolls for his dirty business.

Of course, this letter could be a forgery, but you'd have no way of proving that since you don't believe in carbon dating and you think the world was created 6,000 years ago, so you'll just have to have faith in my promise that the letter is real.

"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions...."

Einstein is on a roll now. I'd also like to add that black churches are loud-mouthed know-it-alls, Catholics are pedophile sympathizers and Buddhists are just plain lazy.

Touching The HandicappedorWhat A Difference Beer And Conversation Make

I had the pleasure of witnessing a handicapped viola student playing his instrument. His handicap was in his right hand, which wasn't a hand at all, but actually two fingers jutting out from an arm.

He held the viola against his chin, and with his right two digits, he awkwardly hooked the handle of his bow.

This was my for my friend's recital, and the viola student was but one of 3 musicians on stage.

My friend was in good spirits and so he suggested we meet for drinks afterwards. I agreed and was surprised to find that we were being joined by the musicians.

They walked in and I noticed that the viola player quite naturally folded his deformed hand into his wrist, which I imagined was a conscious decision in order to hide the two fingers.

When everyone filed in, they all wanted to shake my hand, and I hesitated to do this because to start shaking everyone's hand meant that I would have to shake the handicapped viola player's digits. I chose to wave at the second person I was introduced to who was sitting across the table, and he made a curious remark.

"haha a wave! I guess we're too far away to shake hands huh?"

Now I was feeling bizarre because the person sitting next to me was the viola player who had a gnarled up right hand, and while I enjoyed hearing him play, I wasn't about to start shaking two thin digits straight out of an Alien movie. I figure the polite thing to do is ignore ALL handshakes or shake everyone's hand and pretend nothing is wrong with a hand that only has two fingers, and shake it without making a face.

Naturally I shrugged it off and had my beer, discontinuing the handshaking process before it reached the viola player, to which I'd HAVE to point out that he has two fucking fingers on whatever you call that appendange (its not a fang, its not a hand, its a fand).

And here is where I sing the praises for alcohol, because the more I drank, and the more he talked, the more it became obvious how much of a good guy he was. We accused someone in the group of being gay, we pointed at Lesbians, me with my good finger, and he with his half-a-hand, and a good time was had by all.

So, before I left, I shook everyone's hand, and when it came time to shaking the viola player's hand...well I went ahead and I did it with nary a moment's doubt.

I touched the cripple.

I'm not sure what the lesson is in all of this other than "alcohol makes you do some dangerous things," but I'm sure he appreciated this tiny gesture.

Princess Diana and her dumb lepers have absolutely nothing on me.