Monday, March 27, 2006

Secret Homo Husbands
or
This Will Probably Get Me Kicked Out Of The "Gay Community" Welcome Wagon


Aussie Flapper Girl and I had a lovely night watching documentaries of my choosing recently.

We first blazed through an HBO special that put a spotlight on the relationship between forced celibacy and sexual scandal in the Catholic Church (with a brief prelude into other religions where people tie their penis to a bamboo pole and tug the bamboo back behind their buttocks); and as a nice offset the second documentary was about hookers (one of which described getting raped by 8 men by gunpoint).

Aussie Flapper girl said, "I want to make documentaries like this. I'm very interested in people's lives , aren't you?"

I thought about it for a moment and replied, "no not really, I just like looking at fucked up shit," which I suppose would explain my recent purchase of the Marquis De Sade's 120 Days of Sodom; I confess to skipping ahead and reading about the "fucker" whose penis is so big that he can rip open an asshole (the Marquis' words, not mine).

And so I have discovered the joy of secret homo husband blogs like Drew's Next Step and all the fucked up doubt that goes on there.

I always wonder why the concept of bisexuality is so hard for men to embrace. Why is it surprising to still want your wife just because you've given yourself permission to explore your gay side too?

Says one commentor on Drew's site, and I have the answer. Men think with their dicks, which is what I find so alien in the secret homo blogs. All this talk about higher forms, spirituality, the (very valid) safety of children, but very little in the way of their actual gayness.

I loathe to say it, Ms. wondering-why-men-can't-embrace-biness but a woman couldn't possibly know how bad a man has it, unless straight women sit around playing with themselves and thinking, "I wonder why I'm not getting laid now," just about every day because that's certainly what men do.

I could just be a horndog, but it my opinion is that the blog, the drama, the spirituality, the forced catholic celibacy in that documentary, and the tied penis around the pole are just ways to let the busy mind stop thinking about sex.

I couldn't tell you if things get better when you come out, because I honestly don't know, but I want you to say, "I'm a human being god damnit!" I want you to open your window and yell out, "I'm horny as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!!"

Come on! Let's get real here, you're a gay husband trying to work it out with your wife? Waaah fucking waaah, let me hear about what you want to do to guys or what you want them to do to you, that's the real meat in the soup, stop with the new age feel good Oprah-style bullshit, you're not a god damn housewife!

I want to just shake these people, slap them around a bit, and tell them "you won't turn into Paul Lynde for man's sake, just admit to yourself you're a cocksucker, I promise you won't wake up one day on the floor of a circuit party with a glowstick up your ass!"

Hmmmm...

Reading all that stuff starts to make me feel all closed in! I will offset that like I offset the Catholic Celibacy doc....with a nice helping of Brent Corrigan's slut-o-rama porn fest!, Jiiiiiihaaaad!

...why am I not having sex now? :(

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