Thursday, April 13, 2006

Der Mouse Der Roared
After Paul Kaye

Ms. Aussie Flapper Girl, she of the recently platinum blonde hair, had a mouse problem.

Scurrying along the bottom side of her stove and behind her refrigerator were one


three little mice yelping about, current ousted residents of the trash heap next door that had been bought out and cleaned out.

"Owwwm owwm," she said, or exclaimed rather--a yelping fearful sound effect I'd never heard come from her.

First of all, I'm the all-purpose male in that household (that is, until she finds a hot androgynous sexually ambivalent heterosexual male of her own, and she lives in the East Village so it shouldn't be too hard), however I draw the line at mice.

So I bucked up my feet like a kicking horse, placed them on top of the futon, curled up under the blanket and gave her my "this is ya'll problems" look.

She called the exterminator as one of the mice slipped underneath the bathroom door, and it was at this point that we both freaked out.

I got the broom and she walked nervously towards the door.

"You open the bathroom door," I told her," and I'll tell you when he jumps out."

She used her front door as cover (as it is adjacent to the bathroom), and from behind it she kicked opened her bathroom door like aussie CRACKED OUT GANG BUSTERS.

Moments later the mouse shot out of the bathroom and scurried back behind the refrigerator to what I have now dubbed the People's Republic of Shit-Eating Plague Carrying Baby Mice. She placed a towel underneath the door and did her dirty deeds inside the bathroom.

"I think it might be a good idea to enjoy being outside!" I told her once she came out of the bathroom looking like the victim of a fresh rape.

"Oh you're right, the air's going to do me good." She noticed her dog was missing. "Charlie is completely useless! He goes off and hides when he should be attacking those mice...what a spoiled dog!"

We got our jackets and skipped over the kitchen (where the mice had been scurrying).

She opened her door when a large monstrous creature scurried indoors as the Aussie Flapper girl screamed in horror.

It was her dog Charlie who--in all the commotion--had exited her apartment and found, to his disappointment, that we hadn't given chase to him.

We laughed as she pulled her dog into her arms, "Charlie you gave me the biggest scare of my life!" she said.

"For a moment I thought that was the Queen Rat coming for her kids," I said, catching my breath and exiting the building. (To be C.)


Notes - Gay, lesbian parents to line up for Easter Egg Roll tickets - Apr 13, 2006:

"Thousands of tickets -- an estimated 16,000 last year -- are given away on a first-come-first-come basis beginning at 7:30 a.m. Saturday."


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