Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Drinking Game
or
How To Cheer Someone Up





A friend of mine found a cell phone in a cab this weekend. The last time we drunkenly found a cell phone, MY OWN cell phone got traded in by mistake, so not only do I not believe in cell phone karma, I truly believe it was my duty to keep this phone and run it into the ground with messages.

It helped that we'd just seen David Lynch's Fire Walk With Me film, because that put me in a right creepy mood to screw with people.

"Let's look at this contact list now hm!" I said while flipping open the phone.

Nothing really special, just a bunch of boys and girls names (if you lose your cell in a New York cab, we can safely assume you're a drunken party floozy), aha but here was the paydirt name.

"Dad!!"

So, being the nice guy that I am, I felt it was my duty to wish this girl's father a happy father's day seeing as how that had just gone by.

"Happy father's day. Daddy." I texted

My friend and I shuddered, how creepy was that? My friend being of high moral standing tried to dissuade me, but she was quickly silenced by my ominous cackling.

"Oh hey I got a message!"

Sure enough it was from some guy named Ryan. Who dares interrupt!? Ryan texted the following: "I'm so drunk."

Fucking New York East Village no-good lounge lizard alcoholics. I'll teach him a lesson!

I texted back, "Wanna fuck?" Which is doubly creepy if Ryan was actually this girl's brother.

We figured that we desperately needed to call a friend of a friend of ours and try to hit on him over texting, so it starts:

"Hey ____ remember me? Are you at ______?" Where he usually is! We knew he'd be around there and most likely drinking.

He hits us back, the first two messages are vaguely threatening and confused, "Who are you??" "You're boring!" Yadda yadda, but I know how to make with the girl talk

"Hey I just wanted to have some fun! Make out a little."

Hot! He calls the phone and I send it to voicemail, not realizing that the voicemail voice probably sounds like a hot chick! So he starts becoming nicer/more drunk.

"Get over here now bitch"

"Let's fuck you whore!"

My friend and I are laughing so hard we want to vomit. I send him back, "Oh I'm fingering my cunt." "I got a girlfriend here wants to join us."

The phone eventually dies and we agree, we got him good...especially since he HAS A GIRLFRIEND (dun! dun! dun!).

My friend see's me and says, "thanks for cheering me up kev!" And I nod, because the best way to cheer someone up IS THROUGH THE PAIN AND MISERY OF OTHERS!!
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Notes

Pentagon Lists Homosexuality As Disorder. Lick my asshole.

Yeah all the cool kids are playing video games now, SO GET RID OF THOSE SUNGLASSES AND HIDE YOUR FUCKING DEPECHE MODE ALBUMS YOU FUCK!! Get some vid games and hang with us cool people!!! 1337 rap and Extreme ridge racer review and Survival horror review.

Marlon Brando's giant fucking floating dead head speaks.

In five years we WILL be having sex with robots yay!

Perv on:Milo VENTIMIGLIA "OH I'm fingering my cunt."

Wikicomedy

My new favorite discontinued comic.
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