Friday, June 09, 2006

I Heart Kids
How To Admire Kids Without Looking Like A Pedophile

I, unlike the majority of America, do NOT watch television, and I also have a self-imposed ad-free diet.

Nevertheless, I admit to having caught and become a fan of NBC's perv hunter special where would-be pedophiles are caught sneaking into a bugged house where their gleaming little minds believe that a nude and willing child awaits them.

The majority of the would-be pedos are freakish adults that--similar to people with Downs Syndrome--appear to be slightly "off." One man in particular entered the house and removed all of his clothing, he had a severely dumbfounded look on his face.

For modern man, the existence of pedophiles is a socially uncomfortable illness.

Yesterday I was on the subway train when a woman and two adorable children climbed aboard and sat in front of me. Her children were filled with doughy life and I felt the faint ticking of a non-existent biological clock in my head.

I like children, and while dreams of having my own are reserved for fever nights and world-domination fantasies, I do find tiny men and tiny women fascinating (this also extends to midgets).

But, here's the thing, I noticed that I was going out of my way to not look for too long lest the mother think I was a pedophile!

How horrible is that? I'm NOT a pedo, but yet my very nature leads me to avoid showing too much of an interest in children, which doesn't speak very well for my future as a father.

Conversely, I wouldn't want some man on the street ('mo or otherwise) to look too intently at my kids or I'd be inclined to brutishly help them form a new asshole.

Coming home from work last night I pushed my way onto a crowded train and noticed that everyone inside was looking out at the platform and smiling. I turned my attention towards their gaze and saw a woman clasping a baby girl while her toddler son lay sprawled on the floor in a fit and refusing to move.

So thus far I've learned several rules on the social art of children gazing.

1) Its not ok for a look to linger at a kid if you're a guy.
2) ...unless the kid is being an asshole.
3) but the creepiest thing ever is when a kid with a burgeoning sexuality is obviously checking you out and his/her mother isn't even paying attention. Hey lady, tell your kid its not cool to look me up and down for chrissakes, that's what Victoria Secret/Cosmopolitan/Sears Catalog is for.

Notice this entry didn't ONCE mention priests. Thank you


Stylish Coffins, I want to be buried in one of

Serial killer calendars, now you know what to get me next year.

Also in the news, some people/person in Iraq was killed. Yeehaw!

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