Monday, July 17, 2006

Better Than A Taxi
How To Bar Hop In New York Without Using Your Legs

Fly G had leaned in on more than one occassion to whisper into my ear, "I'm...wasted!"

Thankfully I was perfectly fine minus a drink or two. He was a bit restless at our usual haunt and was determined to walk ten blocks to a bar called Hiro, and he wanted me to go with him.

"But I like it here! There's a lot of cute boys." I said.

"Come on I'll buy you a drink," he responded.


So we were off, and thankfully he could walk a relatively straight line.

"Oh lookee here," he said. On the sidewalk next to a brightly lit phone booth was an abandoned wheelchair. With no one around to claim it, Fly G held onto it and told me to sit on it.

I inspected the seat for turds and when I found none I sat on it.

And we were off, Fly G pushing the wheelchair down the sidewalk with me yelling every few seconds as he almost steered the thing into shop walls and benches. An old man was out walking his dog and as we passed him I yelled out, "I wish my legs really didn't work!"

Fly G wheeled me at top speed next to a kiddie park where a child was out playing on a jungle gym (and this was around 1 in the morning) I waved like the queen mother at him, and I waved to a random shopkeeper and a black kid walking across the street who chuckled to himself.

"We could get arrested for this!" Fly G gasped out in between tired breaths.

"No way, this is perfectly legal!" I said.

Fly G almost dropped me on the fifth block over the curb, and I was scared a car would hit me as he wouldn't slow down for red lights at all.

We arrived at Hiro and he was out of breath.

"Ok get up, I just wheeled you for TEN BLOCKS!"

I got up and did my best Dr. Strangelove impersonation for the benefit of the smokers outside the bar. "Mein fuhrer....I can walk!!"

Fly G cackled and then succumbed to his usual pangs of remorse (did that chair belong to someone? yadda yadda), he got over it after a few drinks though and asked me if the whole incident was going up on my blog.

I said, "that hadn't crossed my mind really."


Kirk Cameron says God hates all sex, not just anal.

"The Christian God spites sodomy because he despises all sex equally" - Oscar Wilde