How I Torture An Invader
I saw the silhoutte of a scurrying mouse for 1/3 of a second shooting past me and behind the stove out of the corner of my eye.
Those fuckers move slightly faster than the speed of sound, but having lived in NY for quite a while my eyes have adapted to the distinct blur of a rodent with his tail outstretched.
I'm still jittery around those things, I know it fears me but knowing that doesn't help me be any less frightened.
For the first time in my life it was all up to me to capture one of these things, so I went and bought a glue mouse trap and set it up near the stove.
It didn't take more than 20 minutes for that damn mouse to fall for the trap. I spotted it trying to dart off of the glue with the force of it's top half, while the back half was stuck. It had enough strength in it to actually move the trap several inches away from it's initial spot, and when it spotted me bounding at him, he squeaked and shuffled along with the trap along the kitchen floor.
Filthy fucking invader.
I'd spent the night before scared out of my wits imagining it would crawl all over me late at night. It was payback time.
I leaned in closer and spoke to him in a low hum, "you really should learn to relaaaax."
I jumped up and down and hissed at it while it continued to try and dart away, squeaking a horrible squeak.
"Oh ho ho, you aren't going anywhere! I'll teach you to find your way up here and mess around in MY kitchen."
I grabbed a huge umbrella and smacked around the mouse and the trap by using the top metal half of it. It kept squeeking and I briefly thought of knifing it or squishing him somehow. Unfortunately I'm way too squeamish, so I couldn't physically do anything to him, still I continued to torture him and just leave him there to die for a good two hours. I was getting impatient as the mouse was still hopping around with the trap stuck to him.
I knew what I had to do.
I got a can of unscented Raid from under the sink (which is a total lie, that thing is scented!) and I walked towards the mouse. "You think you're better than a roach, jah?" I stopped down, "I have a little surprise for you."
I pointed the Raid can at him and let her rip, the foamy spray landed on top of him. I moved the can in front of his face and sprayed some on the floor, I then pushed the trap so that the mouse's face was directly in front of the puddle of venom.
Upon encountering the spray with his face, he slowed down his struggle, for he knew he was doomed.
After a while I batted the whole trap and mouse into a bag and carefully threw it out.
Reason # 234 why people shouldn't FUCK with da Kevin.
Observer on the Plame leak. Makes for a good read
Wednesday, September 06, 2006