Thursday, February 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith's Death
or
The End Of An Icon



I think the best way to sum up today's big shocking news is thusly:

"I feel sadder than I expected to feel."

Listen, Princess Diana was an opportunistic whore, ok so maybe whore is a strong word, but really she represented a vapid female dream, the luck of the draw chooses you to be a princess, you look good in dresses, you sit next to some lepers, and then you die.

I do believe Anna Nicole was much more than that. I think she was honest and/or vulnerable to a fault. I distinctly remember one thing about Anna Nicole, something that Howard Stern (the radio guy, not her wretched lawyer) picked up on: there was a scene in her reality TV show where Anna Nicole rolls around on a bed, seemingly drunk, repeating to herself over and over again, "I love my paparazzi, I love my paparazzi."

She spoke the truth that no other celebrity dare say, that she loved the limelight, that she adored being photographed, that she ate up the attention like she ate up cheesecake and TrimSpa pills.

Listen man, here's the honest truth, millions of straight boys jacked off to her, she loved gays, even REALLY annoying gays like Bobby Trendy, and she really REALLY loved lesbians apparently. I do honestly and sincerely believe she was a national boozed up treasure.

Sure she married an old rich guy, but I believe it when she says she gave that old guy the thrill of his life.

...and she had a cute son too...he's also dead now...damn.

Anna Nicole, I five-finger salute you above Princess Diana, and above Mother Teresa...that crazy woman ran a hospice when she had no idea how to treat the sick, why don't you kiss MY feet Teresa!

At any rate, this message has been brought to you by about 3 shots of Fernet Branca. Thank you.



1967 - 2007
Herlawyerdidit!!

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Notes

Homophobic Snickers Commercial - I don't care that Snickers was "pressured" into removing this commercial, what I think is important is that everyone now recognizes this as homophobia. I make out with boys using Butterfinger chocolate bars made by Nestle Inc. anyway

MMmmhmmm Butterfinger!

Senator "The DreamWarrior" Kruger wants to ban iPods on the streets of NY. One of the few things preventing me from committing suicide is the iPod attached to my ears while walking around NY, so fuck you Kruger. Here's a retarded-looking emo kid with more details.
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