Saturday, March 31, 2007

The Tragedy of Today's Straights
or
Finding This Era's Straight George Washington


People talk a lot of junk about the black population. "Oh they need someone to step up to the plate, they need a new MLK, they need to hitch themselves up by the bootstraps, they need to listen to that Uncle Tom Bill Cosby, they have too many problems..."

That argument can and has been attributed to any number of minorities here in the states, but everyone's overlooked the one group that REALLY needs to get with the program above everyone else:

Young heterosexual males.

The hetero man in America is on this sad precipice. They clearly didn't get the progressive memo sent out during the mid-90's. The hetero male needs a good strong leader to pull them out of their cultural funk, they need a good progressive message ingrained into their forehead, they NEED to catch up to the rest of us because some of their shit is getting embarrassing.

I just saw this today, the trailer for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry:



People...people.

Are heterosexual men truly the worst form of scum on this Earth? Aussie flapper girl seems to think so because she has to date them.

Me? I love them, but I'm completely biased here. The straight men I know all live in New York. They're highly groomed, as intelligent as they can get, and, most importantly, they don't think gay sex is icky...

Here's my problem though, some of those New York straight guys might be closeted gays, I mean all the boys in New York are pretty fey, let's be honest. If I was to pick out an outstanding LEADER for other straight men, a shining jesus-like role model for them, well all my examples would be New Yorker's, big city witty boys... Jon Stewart, Howard Stern...

Come to think of it, I can't even leave the circle of the Jews to come up with a good man among progressive men for straight people.

Hetero men outside of New York, I'm afraid you might be de-evolving. Look at this shit, do you STILL think two guys in a relationship is inherently funny? Are you going to take this obvious insult to your intelligence?

I don't take it from Carson Kressly, why should you take it from Adam Sandler and the people who made that trailer?

This is like that blackface C. Thomas Howell Soul Man all over again. You can make the argument that the REAL humor in Soul Man is how uncomfortable white people are around black people...but for that theory to be true I would have had to have been laughing.

Dear Straight America, this is YOU up on stage dancing around like a Minstrel. This is you in that scene in Soul Man with C Thomas Howell eating a watermelon and dressed like a pimp, its YOU they're viciously brutalizing when Adam Sandler punches that fat guy from King of Queens in the face during their "wedding."

Don't you see, pop-culture can't do it to blacks, they can't do it to women, they're slowly backing away from gays, so now they're taking things out on YOU! You are all being paraded like stupid ass neanderthals, I'm offended FOR you.

Look at who the president is, a stupid white redneck who doesn't know anything about the world. What's wrong with you guys!? That's not you is it?

At any rate, I silently weep (like the virgin mother) for all this bile directed at you lately. I know what it feels like brotha. But don't take this shit lying down, get up raise your arms, fight the man!
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Notes

-It sounds like Obama is for "seperate but equal" civil gay rights versus marriage.

What we can do is form civil unions that provide all the civil rights that marriage entails to same sex couples.

And while we're at it we can form seperate schools for black children that provide all the rights and access to education that the whites have, seeing as how that action has always worked in the past

-Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog team up for their first game together EVER, this event is as historical as the day JFK was shot....to my generation that is.
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2 comments:

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Is that supposed to be the summer "feel good" movie? And Jewish men have become the macho model in New York? The end is near.

David said...

I think the Euro model for marital unions is best. Everyone has a civil union, straight or gay, and if you get a house of worship to bless it, it's called a marriage. That would work for me.