Thursday, July 19, 2007

Disaster at 42nd Street
The Midtown Manhattan Tragedy Mild Swelling and Bloat

New York farts.

I am here to alleviate your fears; no I was not otherwise incapacitated or hurt by the allegedly "roaring" Midtown Manhattan steam pipe blast

Now while this was surely the 9/11 of minor New York incidents, it really was a terrible disappointment to Disaster Junkies and our rivals in San Francisco (Fuck San Fran, we're no. 1!)

Honestly, only one person died from the lame steam pipe explosion, and that person died of a heart attack, while running away...

It was such a non-event that my own mother didn't call me, and she calls when there's rain. She seriously needs to be stopped.

I was trapped on 42nd street with a bunch of shocked and awed New Yorkers who were clogging up the streets staring up at the sky and taking pictures of smoke and steam rushing out of the faraway building. "Oh here we go again," some of them said.

I'm sure overheard in New York will be piling up with "ow my head is bleeding" hacky lame anecdotes from steam blast survivors.

For you see, New York is showing its age. Think of this as an irritating swelling from the world's greatest city. We can't blame terrorists on this one so we'll have to find another scapegoat this time.

Who to blame for the city's deteriorating infrastructure?

I nominate the Jews of course, they better get on the ball here. You remember what happened the last time the Jews lead to the deterioration of the infrastructure?

That's right!

The ovens run on coals. Think about it.

I actually don't know that ovens run on coals, but it sounded good so I went with it


Jon Lovitz savagely maimed Andy Dick in Hollywood recently, and revealed that Andy Dick gave coke to Phil Hartman's wife that caused her to shoot him and herself. How awesome is that whole story!?

Cross googlemaps with happy hour, and you get: Mappy Hour

Patrick Wolf hates Mika, nevermind their music, I can't stand to look at either of them, and I know many people who feel the same way. I think I know what it is: They just LOOK like your exes. I know it doesn't make immediate sense, but I think there's a certain truth to that.


jkaiseresquire said...

“I swear to God it took him more than two hours. Her soul and her life would not leave.”

I never heard that story before.

GrooveTheory said...

I love the oozing of compassion in this post sweetie. I bet your queer ass was running too, weren't you? Were you with Jason?

Soylent Ape said...

On behalf of my people, I apologise for causing all that infrastructure to deteriorate. Very insightful blog, incidentally. Also, who knew Lovitz had it in him?

Deviant said...

I'm all about compassion!

I know right? Jesus Jon Lovitz gets mad props from me. I'm about to buy another copy of The Critic due to that story.

Soylent Ape said...

Man, The Critic was one of the funniest series I can remember. I commend you on your tastes, Deviant!

Eric said...

one of them, actually, is my ex. it's kinda weird seeing your ex on t.v.

Deviant said...

Eric please, until you kiss and tell about you and Patrick Wolf no one is going to believe he's your ex. What say you to that?