Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mothers
or
Overbearing Women In History For $200


I am SO glad my roommate's mother has brain cancer. This is really the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! She's away indefinitely standing by her mom in Florida.

No more sulking about cleaning the apartment, no more nagging, no more of her body taking up SPACE! I have the house all to myself and I'm rather enjoying all this alone time by playing GTA III rather loudly on my TV and running around the house drunk and naked!

I've always been afraid of the very concept of watching your parents die. I know the internet has brought everyone together, young and near-death (i.e. Old), but I feel we can all relate to the pain of seeing the people we most cherish--the people who loved us unconditionally from our birth--perish...

I felt that way until I found my mother had discovered how to use AOL's Instant Messaging service.

There's nothing like returning from a hard day at work, propping yourself up on the old futon, starting up your porno, pulling out your penis, only to find that your mother has sent you three messages over IM in regards to the new addition to the family and his saliva bubbles.

Oy vey.

The woman was shocked that she was watching her old crush on youtube, while downloading music, while talking to her son, while buying stuff over the internet, all at once!

"Its called multi-tasking mom!" I told her.

Ladies and gentlemen, my mom is now online! She's one step closer to facebook, myspace, and gay porn.

Though to be fair, I don't think she'd be as into gay porn as much as you'd think she'd be.

Do we really owe our mother's as much as we feel we do? She's convinced me she's the god of the universe, but really, no one FORCED her to pop me out. It seems I was conceived as an afterthought one boring spring night when her and daddy were bored and hanging out on auntie's yard.

I'm totally finishing myself off if she starts a blog. Finishing myself off Mattel-toy style!
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Notes

La Times reporter loses his religion. Apparently priests who forcibly fuck their unwilling choir boys leads to a loss of faith? Wow who knew?

To save America, we need another 9/11. Hopefully the second 9/11 can take place somewhere in Wisconsin though.
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7 comments:

bagel said...

My mom has a better cellphone than me, had a worthwhile digital camera before me, even joined myspace before me (granted, I held out as long as I could on that one).
All this, and bitch never taught me to roll a decent joint.
I say we cook em up in a big pot one Sunday in May...

GrooveTheory said...

my mom is still struggling with a cellphone so, i doubt that she'll be in AIM anytime soon. it'll be kinda weird too. me chatting with my mom?!

Soylent Ape said...

All I can say to you and Bagel is you'll miss them when they're gone. Also, kudos on another great submission for Ration Reality. Thanks!

David said...

My mom has only recently been able to figure out how to send and receive email. Remote controls still elude her. I'm not worried.

drunk again said...

very entertaining. you are one sick mutha!

arah hope: said...

hey! Wisconsin is too pretty to burn!

Deviant said...

It was mum's birthday recently. Happy bday mum!