Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Mistah Bill, he dead
or
The Outrageous Claims Made On The Well-Behaved Patrons of Sylvia's Soul Food Restaurant In Harlem



"That's right," O'Reilly said. "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, `M.F.-er, I want more iced tea.'"
-Bill O' Rly

Bill O Reilly made the above shocking remarks about the patrons who attend Sylvia's Soul Food restaurant in Harlem. He went on to state that the patrons--surprisingly--sat there similar to white patrons, and ACTUALLY ORDERED FOOD WHILE HAVING FUN.

These remarks are shocking because they are lies. It is a well-known fact here in New York that Sylvia's is every bit the crack den its website implies.

While the patrons may have been well-behaved for the likes of Al Sharpton and Bill O'Reilly, a trip by regular joes to this restaurant will reveal nothing short of gang wars between tables, cannibal orgies, spontaneous tap dancing, and dozens of incidents involving bottles of Sylvia's finest de-tangling hair lotion being hurled from kitchen to dining area in the form of makeshift pipe bombs.

I have it on good authority that--post Bill o Reilly--future white patrons of Sylvia's who stumble in will be greeted by the Maitre'De with, "oh...so you think ya'll aren't gonna get jumped in heeeere? Best get yo white ass out of here."

Having said all that, I recently walked into my local Suddz laundromat around my new apartment and found it shocking that the dot-heads actually had no dots on their heads (but they still had raccoon eyes). It was very surprising to see that they were just doing their laundry peacefully and that there was no "flying carpet" or rope trick shenanigans.

Special Report: Watch Bill O Reilly explain why Super Mario is surprisingly nimble and not at all lazy and fat like those other Italians.


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Notes...

-I'd like to see Bill eat at a BBQs. I like my black restaurants FLAAA-A-MING.

-The President of Iran (Prince Caspian) says: We Don't Have Homosexuals Like In Your Country. You damn right Ahmadinejad, our homosexuals don't smell like camel piss.
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9 comments:

bagel said...

What the fuck he be talkin' shit fo'? Dat honky be commin into MY sto' all in he blackface like he one of us, tryin to order up sum our good eatin, and we be all tellin him, 'yes missa, we cook it up real fine fo' ya'll, missa', and then he go talk shit like dat. Why he gotta do that fo'?

David said...

Does this surprise anyone?

Chris said...

I'm totally going into Sylvia's for Halloween in Black Face (ala Ted Danson) and a Bill O'Reilly mask:

"Yo, Sylvia, yo nappy hair ho...why don't you come out here and make a nigga up some collard greens and chitlin. Shit, and bring out some more of that motha fuckin ice tea bitch. Niggaz be thirsty up in this bitch"

Deviant said...

You're are all terrible racists

bagel said...

And you're are redundant

Deviant said...

And you have defective genitals (a vagina)

bagel said...

You're just jealous of my magical, God Apparently given ability to have abortions.

Deviant said...

If I was a pregnant girl, I'd get an abortion...just because I think it would TOTALLY get me off.

Soylent Ape said...

It would have been so awesome if O Rly and Sharptronic had invited slong Don Imus and the re-animated corpse of Jimmy The Greek (you know, voodoo. Black people are good at that.) The ignorance at that table would have been like a vortex.