Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Killer Komparisons

I've hit on hard times folks.

It has to do with my impending move combined with my "too light for comfort" bank account. The situation--naturally--will fix itself by the middle of this month, but that hasn't prevented yours truly from falling into the pit of despair as I'm wont to do.

...so I did what any red-blooded American boy would do when faced with the doldrums; I took the entire weekend to study serial killers.

This was partially inspired by Bagel (whom I write for on occasion) sending me the dvd movie classic Ed Gein to show me how much she loves me.

The movie was exquisite shit, and the man himself was a good starting point to my weekend of A&E Biography Hell.

Now I'll spare you the most gruesome details, but there are several things I noted about these killers that I thought I'd analyze here:

First thing. This bitch: Aileen Wuornos gets off entirely too easy in her biography (I suspect, because she was played by Charlize Theron in Monster). Compare her biography to Richard "Nightstalker" Ramirez's bio and you can see the difference. Ramirez gets creepy eye shots and dischordian violas, while Aileen Wuornos gets fields of wheat, a Tori Amos-like soundtrack, and girlfriends gushing on about how Aileen sent them letters about her marriage....uhh am I missing something or is Aileen not a mass murderer?

"Oh my gawd, Aileen and her brother were so close, they had such a strong bond, never mind that they fucked each other...she was just misunderstood ya'll," gushed one neighborhood piece of white trash.

Second thing: Ted Bundy.

Right? I realize he's a SKILF (Serial Killer I'd Like to Fuck) but why does it seem like every white person in America was behind this guy? Before any white person in their very rational mind displays bewilderment at the black community's support of OJ Simpson's innocence--I'll just go and show them the A&E Biography of Ted Bundy...

Oh my lord he's so great, so handsome, so smart, so wonderful, I just can't believe he would ram a steel rod into some girl's vagina!

Next point I want to make: Richard Ramirez marries some fat white woman...if that's not proof that white people are desperate for latin cock, then I don't know what is.

And finally, I just wanted to know, who is scarier? Gacy or Ramirez? Seriously, Ed Gein may have inspired many a movie monster with his retarded adventures, but in my opinion those two are head to head in their respective warped sexuality. Gacy's a fat clown, and Ramirez is an out of control spic.

Ahem cough...I'm glad I got that out of my system. I'm hoping A&E will write up a good biography on me, one that is murder free and yet using plenty of dischordian violas.


Nevermind 70's blaxploitation. The one era in film that will be studied in the near future will be the serial killer-sploitation craze of the early 2000's:

Gacy the Happy Clown

Ed "Leatherface" Gein

Ted Bundy (which includes a scene of Bundy smoking out with some corpses after some hard loving.

And of course Monster.

If I was a the family member of a victim I'd sue every last Jew and Scientologist in Hollywood...or at least every Mormon who owns a Blockbuster video.


bagel said...

"who is scarier? Gacy or Ramirez? "

Gacy. White boys have a wider threshold for crazy. A beaner, even at his craziest, can't possibly reach the level of an even moderatly unstable white boy.

This comment brought to you by The Folk Nation.
Please, don't hurt me.

Matt C said...

yup, white folks is crazy

David said...

Because we all know there are no Christians working in Hollywood.

Lady said...

The SKILF thing.. Hm. Nice idea. ;D
I think that's one of those "dirty thoughts" that I write about but I can't think of any. Maybe the serial killers today just aren't cute enough for me. Sigh.

bagel said...

Kevin, get yo damned ass online. I have !!

Deviant said...

Brief Update: I started watching monster, and couldn't finish. It kind of sucked.

bagel said...

Yeah, I think maybe you aren't the target audience for a lesbian serial killer movie.

Deviant said...

I so am!