Tuesday, October 09, 2007

How I Joined A Church
Why Round Table Pizza Is The Greatest Pizza In The World

I would have written about this sooner but...I was sitting comfortably on my ass this Columbus Day.

This last Sunday I all but officially joined a church, Hallelujah!

The church is the Revolution church by Jay Bakker and company. Its an anti-religious church that accepts all who come, and I came for the $2 pint beers.


I had to join the church because my friend drunkenly outted me as an atheist to the congregation. Out of fear of excommunication, I said, "yeah I'm an atheist....but I've officially adopted the Revolution church as MY church!" This seemed to have pleased the congregation, which pleased me, because who wants to miss out on $2 booze and fiery sermons?

This week a friend of Father Crisco sermonized on how heaven was like a particular trip of his to Round Table Pizza. Unfortunately I forget the metaphors employed because I was too busy remembering the delicious gorgeousity of Round Table Pizza.

Round Table Pizza was the rarest of all Los Angeles fast food delicacies. While In N Out burger remained our go-to joint of choice for fatty special events, Round Table Pizza is a time and place, sort of like Woodstock.

We would drive to Round Table Pizza for special occasions and we would salivate in the car thinking of the melted cheese and tangy red sauce dripping forth from the melting pizza pies. A Round Table Pizza Pie could take upwards of an hour to prepare, but the wait was certainly worth it.

Heaven indeed.

After the sermon we went to a hipster gay bar where Father Crisco performed a makeshift exorcism on me using beer instead of holy water. A good time was had by all.


Laurie Kendrick said...

In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Spumoni.

You so funny. I want to be you when I grow up and my ovaries are so loose and hangy that they're actually outside and form she-balls!!



Deviant said...

OMG you should have that checked.

David said...

I would think it takes more than beer to exorcise you. Sulphuric acid perhaps?

bagel said...

A church where you don't have to follow the commandments? Preachers fucking the congregation -- and it's not a secret?! Beer and pizza?

I want in!
Can I bring my poisonous serpents?

Matt C said...


Deviant said...

Thanks, I knew this would be shocking. Gotta keep my edge