Monday, October 01, 2007

The Jay Bakker Congregation
Sunday Gay Mass
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Jesus

I was a fan of One Punk Under God when it aired on the Sundance Channel. It was a reality show about the life of Jay Bakker, who is the son of Jim and the recently deceased Tammy Faye Bakker.

Originally I thought the show was going to be a preachy look at the alt-Christian scene, which is almost more annoying than the mainstream Christian scene, but it quickly turned into Jay Bakker's struggle to make his congregation pro-gay while still keeping it funded.

It was like Jay had a hard-on for gay people, a spiritual hard-on.

And it was so that I ended up attending a Sunday mass at Jay Bakker's congregation; a bar in Brooklyn.

The local lager was $2 a pint and the company (my portly photog friend Le Fred) was good.

The preaching space was a train-like hallway, and while Jay Bakker was away making plans for his mother's funeral, the resident preacher, a man in a large and menacing black fedora, took the mike and started the service.

The topic of the sermon was Jesus was a Jerk, and I was admittedly not paying attention to it as I was too busy surveying the crowd and downing my beers like the rapture was tomorrow. The bar was lightly filled with young kids who looked like they spent hours in front of a mirror perfecting their disheveled bearded look. They giggled at all the right moments, like when the preacher explained how Jesus could be seen as a jerk because he was mortal, and I was giggling the entire time, because I knew the people there weren't just listening to a story...they wholeheartedly bought the God bullshit...

And I realized that religious people aren't annoying because of what they believe in, because let's face it, I've sometimes believed that a shot at 3 in the morning is a good idea, and I don't think I should be chastised for that belief.

What makes Christians annoying in particular is how they go on about this Jesus person.

I get it, you love Jesus, I heard you the first time. Preachers are like the girls and boys you meet who just won't shut up about their boyfriends or exes.

"Oh Stan is the greatest, you know what Stan did for me today? Well when I woke up, I found that Stan had cooked me a whole breakfast. Isn't Stan great? I know Stan loves me, and I know Stan loves you too, all you have to do is accept him in your heart."

The preacher man would NOT shut up about how great Jesus was, and I was quite frankly turned off by him. Everyone bowed their heads for a last-minute prayer and I had to stop myself from spitting out my beer (Le Fred had internally burped at the moment of silence, which wasn't helping).

We continued celebrating our joy of the Lord in the back garden, when an older man in his 40s approached us and asked if we enjoyed the sermon. This tall silver-haired gentleman was a part of Jay's preachin' army. My friend Le Fred had seen him preach last week along with Jay Bakker (who had announced that he was in the middle of a divorce allegedly).

The silver-haired man had been a closeted homo for a long time, and roundabout references were made to his recent partner having killed himself, but we were having polite conversation so we kept it to simple things like where we are from and how great the Lord Jesus Christ was.

As he excused himself briefly for a visit to the little boy's room, my friend Le Fred turned to me and said, "I want him inside me." You see, Le Fred loves Daddies, and this guy was right out of Father Knows Best, and vulnerable which gives off a particular scent that we gays are good at picking up.

We enjoyed free hamburgers at another bar, and we took the silver haired man with us. He was gracious and gentle sounding, and he laughed uproariously at my suggestion that Jay Bakker start selling anal rosary beads. Here we all sat, demon athiest with born-again rascal, and I realized that whatever crazy beliefs you hold, the most important thing is to believe in people, who are as unique and beautiful as snowflakes...

As for Le Fred and the silver-haired man--I heard they went back to Le Fred's place and went through a whole bottle of lube and several condoms.

The Lord Christ savior of all his flock surely does work in mysterious ways. Now I want everyone to join me, bow your head down in front of our computer, and I'd like to lead you all in a bit of Amazing we go:



The SNL digital short: I Ran So Far with Andy Samberg. Better than Dick in a Box


bagel said...

To know visit the gay church is to become part of the gay church

GrooveTheory said...

Just admit it! You're a closeted Christian! You know you love Jesus too. I can see through you Mary!

David said...

If Jesus got me laid like that on a regular basis, I would convert in a heartbeat.

Deviant said...

I'm no closet Christian, I lOVE THE LORD JESUS-A CRIST