Monday, October 29, 2007

What Would Jesus Do?
Deviant Blog Censored By The Church

This last Saturday I attended a party where my good friend pulled me aside.

"Kevin..." he warned me...and he went on to say that a certain acquaintance of his had been unnerved at the sexual details I had posted up about him and my friend on this blog. He asked, very nicely, if I could honor this anxiety and delete this sexual reference from my blog.

"Of course," I said, and I agreed to it because of the earnestness in my friend's eyes.

Later on that night I received a text message, and it was from my friend's acquaintance--and he messaged me pleading for references of his and my friend's sexual details to be deleted from my blog.

I have a line--the Death Wish line--you know? You kill my family, and that's it, you have hell to pay. Your line may be the rape of your child, or even the sodomizing of your father...

My line...?

Telling me what I can and can't say.

For, you see, the man who texted me to delete content from MY blog is a preacher for an alterna-christian church. The very same church that I've been blogging about for the last three weeks. What this means is that--in a very real sense...

...ladies and gentlemen...

I have been censored by the church.

Oh lord, this is how Gallielo felt like isn't it? I get it now. I understand now the cruel monopoly of THOUGHT that the church holds. I received the mighty hand of faith swatting me down like an incessant fly; "be gone child, bug away, remove your message from the landscape and do as I say..."

I defy any of you to even excavate the story that inspired censure from this blog, because it was but nary a throwaway sentence. According to the preacher man, the entire church has read this blog and has devolved into gossiping about this incident that I wrote about. It was an incident so inconsequential and so innocent that it does not compare in the severity of the sentences uttered in the sermons of this would-be church...

And I want to say something about this so-called congregation who is so enraptured in this blog...who has so caused my preacher friend such stress that he felt compelled to reach out to me (when I hadn't even given him my cell phone number) to take down this very simple and beautiful story of his...

Get a damn life.

No seriously. Hey church, get a god damn life ok? People have sex, people use ((censored)) for pleasure, is that a big surprise? Did I out any of you as child molestors? NO! In fact, I had nothing but the best compliments reserved for you and your church, despite the fact that I thought you were all whackjobs, you touched me, in all the right places...

But now something happened. Now I'm one of your preachers, over NOTHING. You were an alterna-chuch, you were different from everyone else. But are you really? I feel like you're back to the future right here, and that you came all the way from the spanish inquisition...whooo...coming in from the salem witch trials...whoooo.,..swooping in on the Washington DC corrupt evangelical movement...whoooo...coming straight at me and my little blog...

Would Jesus log onto an anonymous website, read about his friends, and then gossip about a particularly funny sexual episode that was written about this friend? Would Jesus, then, reach me over text messages and tell me to take down a little sentence about him and his special friend?

That's a great question innit? Would JESUS care that you shared a sexual story about him to the world?

I want you all to apologize to my friend whom you sinned against, because the Bible says that gossip is the greatest sin of all...ok no wait, its no the GREATEST sin, its actually second place to homosexuality and interracial marriage, but its still up there.

And to think...I was almost part of your flock. I actually looked down disdainfully at a Hassidic Jew on the subway train! You would have been proud too!


Jesse Owens: Great American Zero Well yes!


bagel said...

Kevin, you're an asshole.

David said...

I feel for you, darlin', but you're no Galileo.

Deviant said...


Well you're a regular Galileo Galil-IAR

jOjo said...

i love galileo... had myself daydreams of him, locked up in his observatory... you can always join my church. it's cool and you get to be whatever you want.