Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Amazing Adventures of Two Jews In Love
My Spoileriffic Review Of A Novel I Just Finished That Will Rock Your World

I finally finished my commute read of the last two months, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by a Michael Chabon. It won the coveted Nobel Peace Prize in Literature as evidenced by the gold sticker on its cover.

I thought it was, for the most part, a big waste of time, but I'm a minority several times over so my pea brain might have missed something. I feel I should briefly review the novel in order to feel justified in having read it. And here's the cover:

Too Jewy?

The novel is a story that centers on two Jews, one who escaped the holocaust, who become successful with a comic book they both made up. One of the Jews, Joe Kavalier, is a young wannabe magician who left his country in the box of a stone golem, which I assume is part of that newfangled magical realism movement in novels.

Now right off the bat I can say one thing, this is already waaaaay too Jewy. They could have gotten easy on the whole Jew thing and crafted a solid story. Instead you have passages describing how big these kids noses are. You start off the novel with a would-be holocaust for chrissakes. I don't want to hear about the holocaust, especially not while having breakfast.

At first you're interested in the duo. They create a neat little comic book character named The Escapist, and Kavalier almost gets bombed by a Nazi in America, and I was into the whole thing until the romance portion of this novel.

Oy Gevalt, Kavalier hooks up with some boring whore named Rosa, and Sammy turns out to be a fagola when he starts getting Hebrew Hammered up the ass by one Tracy Bacon.

Nothing happens in the second act of the book, except for a few funny moments, one being where Sammy has to get buttfucked by a cop who then sticks his cock in Sammy's mouth, the narrative elegantly transcribes this event as Sammy still able to feel the taste of his own rectum in his mouth (and we all know what that's like right? VERY GOOD. That's right).

Then it goes even more into the shitter! Joe Kavalier runs off to the War, but ends up being posted all alone in the Artic trying to track down and kill a Nazi (or is that...trying to find HIMSELF), Sammy stays behind, marries Rosa, and--of course--raises her child who ends up being the biological son of Joe Kavalier.

If this was a sitcom, the show would have been cancelled. Now we've added a cute spunky kid and someone stuck in the artic into the mix? Jumped. The. Shark.

Joe comes back and things are awkward between everyone. Rosa is like "I love Sammy, and he's a good dad, but let's face it, he's a fucking faggot who can't give it to me like I need it."

Joe is like, "I want some of that old shiksa pussy, and....yeah my son is pretty cool I guess, plus I missed the stupid years where its just boring to raise him because he just babbles."

And Sammy is like, "I'm an old faggot and I'm sad because I could never be my true faggot self, even though it was the 1930's back then and David Bowie hadn't invented homosexuality yet."

And Tracy Bacon is like, "I'm DEAD!"

I defy you to guess the ending, aren't you dying to know? Well the old queen Sammy decides to leave in the middle of the night, just like that, he "Escapes." (See cuz their character was named the Escapist? AAAAhh).

That's the end of the novel, and it is totally AIDS.

Listen, it started off great, but I'm afraid I can't recommend the novel because of the way it spirals into disinterest. The characters are lively, but their problems aren't, and the only thing I learned from the story is that there is absolutely nothing sadder than an old queen.

If you want a real book about comics to read, then pick-up The Watchmen. It has gays, shiksa sex, Jews, and all the rape you can want, with a better story to boot.


Wife's Cheating Ways Exposed To Husband by his Wii. Wiis before hos, fo sho.

Old Sesame Street Shows not suitable for today's children. Interesting article, but keep an eye out for this writer's jerk off material of a sentence:

"Overweight layabouts, lacking touch-screen iPods and headphones, jockey for airtime with their deafening transistor radios. stroke stroke stroke!


Soylent Ape said...

It's not bad enough this fegeleh is turning his back (literally) on the Torah, but he has to take it from a guy named Bacon? Oy, his parents... He should only think about what he's doing to them.

matt c said...

The guy in the first article is just pathetic.

David said...

Remind me to never ask you for book recommendations.

bagel said...

The Amazing Adventures of Two Jews In Love
My Spoileriffic Review Of A Novel I Just Finished That Will Rock Your World
How Many Times Can I Type 'Jew' Without Masturbating