Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Say Uncle
or
The Potential Godfather




I was going to leave this "netlog" without an update because I thought I should take part in that writer's strike, but I remembered that I'm not part of that union, and that I'm not paid to do this, so let's get to some exciting news!

I received a phone call from mother of Deviant about my impending Christmas trip to LA. During our conversation-so-full-of-warmth, she let it slip that my uncle and his wife were considering asking me to be the godfather to their little baby boy.

I was elated. I told the roommmate who was busy gargling on some Listerine, "listen, I'm going to be a godfather!"

Now I'm still pleased with the announcement, except for the slight possibility that this baby grows up to be a complete asshole. It would be awkward if, let's say, my Uncle and his wife get into a tragic accident ala Martha and Thomas Wayne, and then I have to raise this little homophobic punk pre-teen from hell who can barely read and likes to jerk off to the girls found in Ebony Magazine.

They say that you never know which kid will grow up to be a decent person and which will grow up a degenerate, so I say treat all babies the same, like they're all potential degenerates.

Now, upon further rumination, my uncle and his wife aren't the most stable of couples. They've had their fair of problems, I think she has a bum leg, nevertheless they've stayed together in what I like to call a passionate embrace of convenience.

When I was a child my uncle was my father figure (its how we latinos roll because all of our father's leave us because none of them can afford kids), and my mom urged me to be more like him. "Kevin," she said, "why don't you eat slower, look at your Uncle, he takes an hour to eat an egg."

I was a fat kid.

Now, I was instilled with this need to be like my uncle because he was so young and full of life back then. I know I could never come close to having a penis as big as his though! He pulled it out back then and we both peed in the toilet, and I was scared of it, though psychologists now inform me that all grown-up penises you see at a young age seem monstrously bigger in memory.

I knew, sadly, that I'd never have a penis as big as his, but now--I hope--that I also don't have a life like his. I don't want a marriage of convenience to an overweight Mexican woman with a bum leg who can't speak English.

Now, I know I seem to speak harsh of them, but I love them all, because you can't pick your family, you can only put up with them.
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Notes...

Sony's TWA/T. That's one TWA/T I can behind of.
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1 comment:

GrooveTheory said...

Lord! Kevin the Godfather! Can you imagine? A queen as a godfather? oh the puns! Its all coming to me like a bukake party.