Saturday, December 22, 2007

California Here We Come....Again
How to Prepare for a Trip to Los Angeles

I fly to Los Angeles tomorrow for Christmas and I'm pretty pleased with myself because I managed to get everyone I know gifts.

Most of the gifts were purchased using various gift cards or are blatant company regifts, lest you start thinking I'm anything approaching a highly successful 20-something year old, still its good to give off that illusion to your family.

It allows them to sleep easier at night.

Yes, Los Angeles, if you've never been then you should know that the Jews there are less visible than the nasty Hassidics in NY, but they are just as money-grubbing.

Also, there are a great deal more Mexicans there, you tend to know who they are due to their resembling Pygmies.

(On a strange side note, I had befriended many LA Mexicans but no LA Jews, and many NY Jews, but no NY Mexicans).

I get asked all the time what one should do in Los Angeles while on a trip, so let me write you up a pre-lim list here:

1) Head to In-N-Out cheeseburgers directly after getting off of the plane. Their cheeseburgers are so good that they're like Pizza!

2) Get a car. Unfortunately I have to car-share with my aunt, and she's got a wonky schedule, but I'll have to deal because you just can't have a good time in Los Angeles without a damned car.

3) Make sexservations. Hehe, you know what I mean right? They're like reservations, but for sex!

4) Bring a gun. Seriously, the thugs and lowlifes in LA can't be stopped by simple Mace alone. You have to get yourself a semi-automatic, preferably you can just smuggle it in the luggage somewhere so you can be armed upon stepping off of the plane. Its a little known fact that LAX is located in a gang shithole!

5) Watch out for the celebrities and their bloated sense of self-entitlement. The biggest celebrity I've run across is Gilbert Gottfried, and that was here in New York. I'm not sure if I just wasn't looking hard enough, but I never saw any in LA.

Obviously while I'm traveling we will be having communication downtime. I'm pissed that as a society we haven't yet perfected the art of being connected to the intershit 100% of the time yet, but you make due with what you have.

At any rate, if I don't see you, have a Merry Christmas!


Matt C said...

awww, merry xmas to you too.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

Have a happy time, my dear Deviant; you deserve it.

Deviant said...

Thank you all, and a bah humbug to you