Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Inbox Intrigue 3
The Case of the Straight French Man

I know I've been busy for a while, but I'm free now, so I'd like for you to catch up with my life, and to do this I'd like to share a special email a straight french boy has sent me. Here we go!

The Contenders: Straight French Boy Ferris vs. Me

The Premise: I met Ferris during my brief stint in gay church before I was brutally censored by them. Ferris was a young immigrant straight french boy who was looking for an American wife in order to receive a green card. I teased him about his plight and--because he was cute--I kissed him goodbye while we went our seperate ways on the subway train. He moved to San Diego and recently managed to email me the following:

The Email:

From Ferris

Hi Kevin,

:) How have u been doin'? Me, i am awesome. I've been all over LA and San Diego, but for the most part i'm working in the Mall to make some money. I am selling phone accessories in the mall. But after Christmas, i gotta head back to NYC.

Kevin, i talked some girls out here and it's not easy to marry with them. It's just not easy for me to deal with them for sth like a long term relationship. Even if i pay them some money and look at it as a business deal, it's still not guaranteed that i will get a green card. Gurls are all different.

Kevin, i know the way u kissed me in the subway that night, before we said good-bye. I think we can be together without any odd feelings, cause u a r very sweet and nice person to keep in touch with!

Now my only choice Kevin, is you. Cause i have not had feelings to any other person rather than you.

Please, help me my friend. I believe you know that you r the sweet and symphatic friend of mine. I've worked and made some money to keep my status good! U r my only impartial friend who i can courageously ask!

I'm waitin' impatiently for ur reply!

Bye sweety,


So my first reply, naturally, is to ask for cock pix plz.

What else can I say? I don't have any real feelings for him, however I'd definitely go out with him once or thrice if he had his own place in NY--however--it sounds like he's asking to move in with me sight unseen.

There are several problems with that scenario...

First of all, he could have gotten fat. Its very likely seeing as how he is (was) straight, and broke. If you go to LA poor you can't afford Hollywood cocaine, so you just sit around at home getting fat.

The second problem lies in the fact that he could just very well be a hustler, and he could be trying to pull a quote-unquote "snowjob" on me, or whatever it is you kids call it these days. I'm not falling for his snowjob.

Thirdly, he's straight and he's French, which as you know must mean that there is enough cheese in his uncut penis to feed a small starving Somalian family.

I am what you call a gateway gay. I discovered my powers late in life, but they are nevertheless there and nevertheless potent. I am comfort food for questioning straight guys. They do not see me as a gay man, they see me as a wily clever little minx who is very confident in his sexuality and very suspicious--but warm--to the doubts within their own sexuality.

What I mean to say is that straight boys like to kiss me, and this has nothing to do with looks at all. In fact, guys who are TOO good looking are quite off-putting to the doubting heterosexual. I just sort of slide by with my looks, not unlike a roach skittering around on its last legs in your bathroom. I get by, but for some reason its just good enough to slip under the sensitive straight radar.

However, I'm not about to let this French boy move in with me unless he sends me cock pix of which I will take and post them on here naturally!

Ah the french!

Update: I just re-read that email. Choice quote:

"I think we can be together without any odd feelings

Why do people think there aren't going to be any odd feelings with me? I was being NICE TO YOU. Of course there are going to be odd feelings if you live with me. Its going to be so odd that Gonzo will throw his hands up in desperation and go, "I can't take this shit."



The French are stupid


bagel said...

How bout his quote-unquote "snowball" ?
Will you fall for that?
You know you love sweet, sweet snowballs.

"not unlike a roach skittering around on its last legs in your bathroom" <--- that's hot. Only hot, tho. Not hott. Try more harder.

You should totally gay marry him and clean out his le smeg with q-tips every weekend.

On the video, did the dude just say 'La um...' ? That's so Pepe LePeu.

David said...

"you're the sweet and sympathetic friend of mine"

Wait, has he actually met you?

bagel said...

The French aren't known for their grasp of antonyms, David.