Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Top Five Ways My Family Tried to Destroy My Christmas Spirit
Pre-Holiday Buzzkillers

I just landed back from my holiday in Los Angeles...a little wiser.

Yes that's right, I learned a thing or two about myself from what I thought would be a regular old trip back to the folks place.

I'd love to share it with you, but I just now got off my plane, so I'd rather just share with you the top 5 ways my family attempted to destroy my Christmas spirit and also my very soul. Number 5...!

5) Their incredulous refusal to purchase high-speed internet. My mother has DVR, the family room has satellite, and everyone has an iPod, so why the FUCK do they still have DIAL-UP of all things?

Do you know how hard it is to web 2.0 on that thing?

4) My Auntie's rampant racism. We couldn't pass a black person on the street without her diatribe about "those people" and how lazy they are.

I realized I totally get my racism from her because we ended up laughing at most of the blacks and hispanics we passed, and this is Los Angeles, so you can imagine how out of breath we were.

Knowing that being a bad person is hereditary is soul crushing.

3) Baptizing my Godson. It wasn't bad enough that I had to be dragged into a Church, but the Mexican priest had the BALLS to admonish us all in Spanish. Apparently you're supposed to go to church a ton after baptizing someone, and he just knew that no one in his presence at that time would come back to church.

And he would be right! Divine sight? Or self-fulfilling prophecy? Who cares, I'm never seeing his dirty self-righteous Mexican ass again (except in that photo I took with him).

2) 15 minutes worth of footage of my shriveled up demented grandmother on her deathbed writhing in confusion and pain. Nothing says holiday cheer like home movies doesn't it? Unfortunately my family's home movies would make David Lynch look away in disgust.

Two years ago it was tight close-ups of my great grandmother's almost rotting corpse, now we had an uninterrupted 15 minutes of my grandma looking upwards in silence in some nameless Guatemalan home for invalids. Cheers!

...and finally, the number 1 way in which my family attempted to destroy my Christmas spirit...

1) Finding out that there are over 100 google searches for "Dildos" on my little 17 year old sister's computer

Fuck Christmas, there is no God.


David said...

Well, better searches for "dildos" than for "abortions" or "pimps who are hiring" right?

Happy New Year!

Deviant said...

She should have no sexual interests whatsoever!

bagel said...

You mean she isn't preggers yet?
How many searches were there for 'wire hangers' ?

WDL said...

I hope you ran out and bought her one.

Nothing satisfies curiosity like the truth.