Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Jam It In
Night Terror

I've been miserable for the last two days.

One of those nights I woke up at 5 am to blood curdling screaming, which I attribute to my roommate.

I write a lot of things on here in jest, and I'm the least violent person one could possibly hope to meet, but I'm serious in thinking that people who suffer from night terror should be euthanized if not outright murdered on the spot.

When I heard the screaming, I got up from my bed, walked to my door, locked it, and went back to sleep. On hindsight, Its certainly possible that I imagined the screaming, but when I first heard it I thought it was equally as possible that my roommate was getting raped, and so I decided to lock my door because if someone was crawling around the house raping people, I didn't want to be the next victim.

I went to my local store to purchase ear plugs and was surprised at the abundance of options available to me. There are all sorts of plugs for your ears, there are foamy plugs, rubber plugs, and little grandma cylindrical plugs. Most ear plugs have an "NRR" rating that is supposed to measure how much noise the plugs keep out, but according to most sources the numbers are arbitrary and meaningless, so ear plug makers can go fuck themselves up their otological asses if they think I'll be doing massive research for their plugs.

My grandmother who suffered from Alzheimer's and dementia used to put in plugs all the time in her ears, then she started putting in rolled up napkins in there. I'd never paid attention to how she put her plugs in, but apparently there is an exact science to putting in plugs, especially the foamy ones (which I settled on).

First you roll up the plug into a thinner longer version of itself, then you pull your ear up and away from you, then you jam the thing into your ear canal, then you continue to jam it in as it expands, then you wonder if you did it right, then finally you start to think that maybe this is going to cause you ear damage, then you take the plug out because you feel you did it wrong, and then you noticed that you have ear wax on it now.

Because only anal-retentive bastards clean their entire ear out. Who has time to put in q-tips in there? I certainly don't. I tend to clean those suckers out once a month at best.

I finally put in the plugs, and as they expanded inside my ear canal, damaging all sorts of nerves, I finally had peace. Passing cars turned to dull noise, my roommate was inaudible, and the bed-creaks that my own body produces while shifting around were all but silent to me.

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn
looking for an angry fix,

They can stay on those fucking negro streets because I no can hear, I have plugs in my ear.


David said...

I can sleep through pretty much anything.

Deviant said...

well aren't you lucky.

the bagel of everything said...

I have to use the foam rubber ones and cut them in half lengthwise.
My ear canals are tiny. Doctors have to use a pediatric scope to look in them.
I also can't wear earbuds. I wonder if they make a child size?

Further, I doubt you locked your door for fear of raep. More likely, you were insulted that you weren't the first chosen for the assault.

Deviant said...

Your ears must be nice and tight? Mine are gaping from years of jabbing them with huge state of the art earphones.

No one can rape me, if they did get a dick in me, I'd just quickly turn around and snap that rape dick off. Girls should learn this maneuver.

bagel said...

Girls aren't normally raped from behind, my dear.

Deviant said...

It doesn't matter where you're raped, front or back, just do a barrel roll, and that dick will break.

WDL said...

um, i clean my ears every day. sometimes with peroxide on q-tips, just to be sure.

this is also why I get up 3 hours before I need to leave for work. it takes me forever to get ready in the morning - but I look damn good.

Deviant said...

Oh yeah? I've stopped washing my hair because its fashionable to do so. I look from Ok to Great depending on how bloated I am.