Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Jogging
or
Making The Leap Towards A Healthy Lifestyle

I'm happy to report that I've officially lost the entirety of my holiday pounds. I know this is the case because this morning I took off my shirt in front of the bathroom mirror and saw the familiar svelte curves of my underdeveloped child-like body.

Sexy.

Its no wonder I constantly get hit on by perverted old gay men wherever I go. If I ever decided to film myself having sex I'd most likely be arrested for child porn. My mother sent me an age-defying night cream that I almost put on last night, but why bother? Most guys who stare at me aren't checking me out, they're wondering if I'm lost.

Etc. etc. etc.

I pondered taking the leap to "officially hot blogger" sort of like Diablo Cody or....(no wait that's it) by taking up jogging. After all, I'm in a nice area and Spring is battling Winter, why not tuck away the cynically lazy side of me and go for a run and develop what would hopefully turn out to be a body that looks long and lean?

Well I'll tell you why not. Its because its so DAMNED EXPENSIVE to even become a jogger in the first place. I have to get the right running shoes, which would probably be over $100 dollars, and I'd have to make sure they support my flat feet, then I'd have to get a jogger's wardrobe which would include stretchy pants, shorts, and shirts that wouldn't embarrass me (maybe invest in a nice stringy headband).

"You know what zat is? It is zee marketing," my older French boss said.

He's right though, all of these running tips--I think--are really more about getting you to buy things, and less about your safety. Imagine that the only way to make Africa healthier is to have everyone buy jogging shoes, problem solved right? No, those Africans jog barefoot and they all have great bodies (though that could also be attributable to the AIDS epidemic).

One of my other concerns is that...well honestly jogging is a pretty white middle class thing to do. I've never seen a brother jog; I've seen those fuckers run from the police but never casually jogging for fitness' sake. If I do decide to jog then I'd have to map out a jogging route around my neighborhood that would not include any areas where black and latinos would make fun of me. I'm pretty whitewashed but I'm also wary of betraying my lazy cultural roots.

When the revolution comes, I will be looting with the minorities, be forewarned.

Nevertheless, I'm willing to give this a go. I may stop by my local 99 cent emporium to pick up some cheap stretchy pants.

Better a jogger than a mugger right? I asked Yahoo answers for tips, we'll see if the internet comes through.

How to run.

5 comments:

WDL said...

oh look, you've had a reply already.

Kevin said...

oh look, you're about to get REPORTED.

Just kidding.

David said...

I wasn't going to say anything, but you do look like an overgrown 12-year old.

Kevin said...

So do you david...a gay one.

David said...

I look like a Jew who hasn't seen 12 in over two decades and you know it.