Tuesday, February 26, 2008

quarterlife crisis: the blogging report
or
I'm An Artist God-Damnit!

Oh I'm sorry...I was j-just blogging

I'm watching the premier of NBC shit-fest quaterlife which has been brutally raped by the critics.

I felt it was important to document this night as it is a historic occasion marking television's acceptance of internet culture; a crap show about bloggers and digi-camers.

quaterlife is a myspace tv show/imaginary social website experiment that was a mild hit on the internet, and is written by the same guys who brought you great TV shows that no one watched (its cool to say My So Called Life was groundbreaking even if no one watched it. I've said that just to impress people).

The show as far as I understand it is RENT without the AIDS, minorities, New York, the music, or the gays. In short its about the vanilla B-O-R-I-N-G lives of 20-something white kids who have dramas with each other and who foolishly blog about each other and aren't smart enough to do it anonymously using pseudonyms...right homeless FlyG, coke-head Aussie Flapper Girl, and pot smoking Le Fred?

Right, we're 20 minutes in and the artsy aspiring camera guy just pulled up a laptop to show his buddy that his platonic girl friend just vlogged about him having a crush on his best friend's girlfriend. They're having a confrontation in the kitchen where the vloggee tells her scorned friend that she must be honest, for the sake of her vlog, and because she's addicted to it.

I'm lost.

I'm looking at the clothing the cast is wearing and getting fashion ideas, the mark of a great television show.

The creator of the show wrote this bizarre diatribe on Slate. I don't know the man from another blogger, but he does sound like a mad-phophet. Like the guy from Network who addressed a public who was tired of everything but instead of telling everyone to scream out that they are mad as hell, he just wants us to watch his show on Myspace and NBC.

30 minutes in and the slutty alcoholic girl got told by an older acting teacher that she has no sexuality...

My roommate just walked in because he needed something and he said my room smells "like boy." Well yeah, its all the jizz, what do they think it is? I had to spray air freshener. I forgive my roommate however because he told me I was so skinny that he hated me...

B: "You fill me..."
G: "With what...?"
B: "...Longing"

The characters on TV just said that, I swear to god they just said that. I can't stick with this, I'm sorry, I was going to see this through and report my findings, but there are far better things to do with life, such as vlog about my friends, or jack off to xtube.

The show has one saving grace though, and it lies in the under-developed character of Andy Melman. He's got glasses and is blonde, and has a little beard, and he likes to eat bananas on his faux webcam show.

In the spirit of the show's end, where the protagonist finally is about to vlog about her TRUE feelings in regards to her male friend...I'm in love with Andy Melman...

No actually I want him inside me. Seriously I want to have nasty homosexual sex with Andy Melman; 69, annalingus, cunnilingus (wut!), top, bottom...that one move where someone kinda lies with their shoulders on the ground, their butt up in the air, and someone else sticks their erection downwards and they're kinda pushing down using their knees....yeah you know what I'm talking about? Its how you make boy babies when you're with girls.

quarterlife part 1 is viewable here.


Oh my lord. Tattoos...Spring is heeeeeeere!


Update: The show flopped. Good!

2 comments:

David said...

Nice new template!

Oh, were you saying something?

Kevin said...

Thanks David.

If you look on the upper right hand corner, at the Eustace Tilley graphic, you can see Goatse in the upper left hand clouds.

Bagel from rationreality.com photoshopped the whole thing for me. She's also adding a booger string between his nose and finger which will be visible later.