Friday, May 16, 2008

Be Grateful For Your Family
My Stupid Uncle Twice Removed

I envy other people's families.

Fly G's mother is an upper New York state seductress, she's currently banging his old junior high principal. Other mother's that I know are happily married living in some cottage somewhere.

My family? Well they're almost reptilian in their base squalor. It comes from the fear of being an immigrant I suppose. All my mother ever does is work at a soap factory, come home, and watch television all day wondering when I'm going to call her.

I bring up my family because my uncle twice removed (my grandmother's sister's son...remember I'm hispanic) is visiting NY.

Well, when you visit NY, you have to have certain things planned beforehand, namely flight reservations to get here, maybe familiarize yourself with the locale, and also find a hotel within your budget.

Last I heard my uncle twice removed bought his ticket but was frantically calling me to find a hotel for him and his family. A hotel in NY that would cost around $100 that is.

Is he fucking crazy, I told him, I suggested he stay in a JFK airport or in New Jersey somewhere. I told them about the LIRR and the E train he can use to get around, and you'd think that be enough, but then I get a call at 10 pm the evening before he's supposed to arrive asking me for MORE info.

What MORE can I say? You don't speak english and I'm leaving for the weekend so you can't stay with me! I offered to have lunch with you but you haven't called all day, and its 5:15 now and its time to slip on some crazy outfit and catch up with some know, how normal people do (MOM!)

You think your family is nuts, well at least they know how to convert oxygen into energy to power their cells; the jury is still out on whether or not my family can do the same.



bagel said...

I'm glad my family isn't entirely sure where I live.

My mom has my email address. That's all she needs. Soon as she learns to work her email, she can contact me anytime I feel like checking that old email account I don't use anymore.

...I just hope she doesn't ask for my number.

Kevin said...

It is sort of sweet to have her want to talk every week....I suppose, that is until she ACTUALLY calls, then its a total headache.

And now I have my dad on the case two calling me every week, so now i have someone ELSE to avoid. Gawsh.

WDL said...

um, i call my mom and grandma every morning.

they love me so much.