Thursday, May 15, 2008

An Open Letter To The South
Rejected Ration Reality Entry

This one was written for Bagel, but she said most people on her site wouldn't get past the first Clinton supporter sentence. Make of that what you will

An Open Letter To The South

Dear The South,

I am writing to you as a Clinton supporter.

That's right! I am that rare species of non-geriatric non-female supporter of Mrs. Hillary Clinton. My admiration for her is exactly why other people hate her, she is shrewd and manipulative. With several quick-witted speeches she has gone on to dramatically capture the racist American vote. Kudos and well played Clinton, she is every bit as duplicitous and scheming as her male counterparts, if not more so.

But what of Barack?

Is Barack Obama's presidential candidacy hindered by race? This is the latest in a long line of time wasting debates in America. He's black isn't he? What do you think?

Its become obvious, after the primary results in West Virginia rolled in, that the region known as "the American south," or everyone below the Mason Dixon line is not keen on electing a black President to the White House.

Believe me, I can understand. Barack Obama's supporters are--for the most part--mouth-breathing simpletons who cling on to meaningless new age positive prattle such as "....change," or "yes we can," or "in the Fall of 2008, you will believe a man can fly!"

His supporters who aren't frothing at the mouth are white liberal elitists who wouldn't know what the common man was thinking if you forcibly stuck their heads into a toilet after a Married...with Children marathon on Fox.

Having said all of that, Barack Obama, the man himself, has merit. Yes, the South, I am telling you that I have heard him speak in-depth about his plans for America once he's elected, and it wasn't JUST new age rhetoric; he tossed in a few ideas here and there. Barack Obama is young, full of life and full of big ideas. He has dreams--you see--momentum, and vast potential. He is viable.

I have a fear after the primaries in West Virginia, a fear for YOUR fear, great American south; and I want to appeal to your sanity right now about our next possible black president, I wish to address you in an adult manner about my concerns on your future actions:

The South; please do not attempt to kill Barack Obama

It is no secret that the American South is responsible for the deaths of our best and brightest. You killed Martin Luther King Jr., you killed John F. Kennedy as well. Historically speaking, if you hadn't killed anyone then we'd already be living in Jetsons-like cloud Utopias in the sky.

Am I suggesting Barack is as great as the men I mentioned above? No. Am I saying you are the same as you were when you killed MLK and JFK? No. Well maybe I am since you regularly kill and castrate innocent gay boys who mean you absolutely no harm.

Death is serious, not funny and not fun certainly, but its also fucking cheating man, and I want this to be a fair fight, which is a difficult thing to do when you have all the guns and all the maniacs.

For the most part you are alien to us. We do not understand your way of life, your lunatics, your polygamy. We are as scared of you as you are scared of us, and we're scared because you have all the guns and we somehow let you have all the guns because our understanding of the second amendment is limited to shooting at virtual hookers in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Listen, the South, I know you're raring to kill anything that sounds like MLK Jr., but you and I both know that you're sick of the white trash running this country as much as everyone else is, because if you weren't then John McCain wouldn't be the GOP nominee (he's way too old to count as a white man).

It is imperative that you stop and think ever-so-briefly on the future of your children, or your neighbor's children, because they may not share the same values that you do, but maybe they could do with a politician who shakes things up and is--you know--alive?

Perhaps your time has passed, the South, just like one day my time will, and when that happens then I'll stop playing dirty, as you should now. I say this from from the bottom of my heart, from one racist Clinton supporter to another.

George "Don't Track Me Down" McFly


Soylent Ape said...

Hyuh-hyuh! Ah'm a Southener, bitterly clingin' to my guns and religion. Still, I don't think you got the memo. We decided to stop killing high-profile political leaders shortly after Martin Luther King, Jr. It's part of the "image reahbilitation" strategy suggested by our public relations firm, Braunstein and Lifschitz. Yeah, we were kinda getting a bad rap for all that assassinatin'.

Here's the procedure:
1)Stop shooting politicians
2)Open Dollywood
3)Offer free lemonade.

So come on down, Y'all! We've named a lot of streets after King, Evers and Kennedy, so everything's okay, now.

Kevin said...

I love chicken and waffles.

LisaPal said...

Dear Kevin,

Don't ever change.

Your friend,

Lisa in New Orleans
(We may be in the south, but clearly we're not part of the United States.)

David said...

That was all kinds of awesome.