Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Elephant Ass-Man
or
Marathoners Shit While They Run

Unlike most people, I have body issues.

My main issue is that my body is just bizarre-looking. I'm aware everyone fits into a pre-ordained genetic body type, they are:

fat-butts

large-hips

normal.

I'm none of the above. I think I'm the elephant man of body-types, I just feel like I have a bigger torso than I should have, and there is practically nothing I can do about it.

I....YEARN to be normal, and to frolic in the daylight with the rest of the children...

I do have a running regiment which helps me stay presentable, but its sort of like keeping zombies at bay while trapped inside of a mall, you are only delaying the inevitable freak show.

Granted, I do eat like a motherfucker.

There are two things I loathe in life (ok its more like 24 as you know but for this purpose we'll say 2); they are exercise and eating healthy.

Eating healthy is too expensive, in case you haven't noticed our economy is dying and the rice is disappearing.

Second, I can't get into exercises. I'm not a jock nor gifted with any sort of athleticism. My ideal sunday is spent in a catatonic state in bed.

I run but I won't be participating in any marathons, no matter how much you try to convince me to run because I know the real secret! And it is that marathoners SHIT while they run.

I'll repeat it over and over again during your slide presentation trying to convince the audience to run, I will have a bullhorn and stand behind you.

"MARATHONERS SHIT WHEN THEY RUN"

This is something only animals would do, and I am not an animal, I am a human being

3 comments:

WDL said...

two words: diet tacos.

David said...

You have a big torso? Really?

Kevin said...

Not really, I just surround myself with funky mirrors.