Sunday, October 19, 2008

Close Encounters of the Bodily Kind

I recently watched the movie Shortbus, directed by the ingenue who directed the vibrant Hedwig and the Angry Inch, a rock musical about a transvestite slut....

...but wow, Shortbus was such shit!

It was a porno, but with aspirations to be like...a real movie, which only succeeded in making the fast-forwarding process entirely too difficult for me. How can I find the naughty shit when they're padded by minutes worth of story and whining?

What I gleamed from the 8x speeding viewing was that there are a bunch of white people with gay problems (literally) and one asian girl who has difficulties playing with her muff, so much so that she has to play with said muff in a park which causes the blackout of New York.

As an aside, she had an almost literal muff; as in her privates looked like a mitten made of hair...but I digress...

I remember a certain work crush I once had, a "straight" boy who was pleasantly nerdy with hints of wisdom speckled on an elfish face, and I remember sitting next to him during a company lunch, and through conversation finding out that "Shorbus was my fave movie of last year!" (endquote)

Now I'm sure he was sending me secret signals because no self-respecting straight man would enjoy that movie on account of all the semen in it. The amount of semen in that movie was JARRING, even to me! I saw Chloƫ Sevigny give Vincent Gallo a real blowjob on film in the Brown Bunny and it involved less semen than in Shorbus.

The actors in Shortbus were eating semen, spraying semen on bodies, spraying semen on paintings, reaching an apex of angst and emptiness whilst hovering forlornly over semen...

There was just semen everywhere!

And this fucking nerd was earnestly telling me, at a company lunch, that he thought Shortbus was the greatest movie of last year.

He might as well have been wearing a shirt reading "I ♥ Semen."

Long story short, he invited me to to eat the food on his plate so I could try it.

Its just too bad I hadn't seen the movie then or else I would have asked "what were your thoughts exactly on all the semen?"

On an unrelated note. I have a winner for the award of the greatest product placement of all time, and it is Taco Bell for the film Demolition Man. And it isn't because the cops dine at a Taco Bell, and it isn't because Sandra Bullock tells Sylvester Stallone that "in the future all restaurants are Taco Bell," and it isn't because a car crashes into a Taco Bell Restaurant....

but it IS because almost an hour after this happens, Silvester Stallone meets the underground utopian resistance movement leader (played by Denis Leary) and says--and I quote--"Hey...weren't you the guy I saw standing outside of Taco Bell?"

Greatest. Movie. Ever.



GrooveTheory said...

"as in her privates looked like a mitten made of hair" .... you're officially a hot mess Kevin! ROFL

Matt C. said...

it's hard for me to believe you found the amount of semen to be "jarring". this, of course, means I'll have to watch it post haste.

David said...

As much as it pains me, I must agree with you that I found Shortbus utterly underwhelming.

Kevin said...

Why would it pain you to agree with me? I'm like....always right.

It was jarring for a movie of course matt, not for my private life.

You're a tranny groove.