Monday, October 06, 2008

Six Pack Flab
or
Adventures In Babysitting


Am I a Joe Six Pack?

Without looking it up on Wikipedia, I'm figuring that the term denotes an almost subhuman form of the male human animal who would regularly beat his mate, have sexual relations with his children, and fling his own feces at other males who would try to invade his cave which would be located somewhere in America's heartland.

Upon further research I've learned that Joe Six Pack is simply a more pejorative version of John Q. Public, the anonymous common man, Joe Blow , Jewy Jewstein, Alcy Holic, Stupid Ass...etc.

I don't think latinos can be Joe Six Pack's, with one exception that I'll relay to you shortly. For my part, I often looked at the Joe Six Pack's in my extended family and seriously wondered whether they were even capable of thought (they were busy actually throwing their feces), and it seems like our Joe Six Pack's can at least "feel" their way through a situation.

I think I did meet a Joe Six Pack once, it was in Los Angeles as a young boy. After school there was no one in my household present to take care of me, so rather than let me be home alone to discover masturbation like all red-blooded American boys, my mother opted to leave me in the care of a kindly married woman with three daughters who lived in a terrifying pink shack behind a house.

This woman was kind, but ass ugly. Luckily she'd found a man, a big hulking mass that walked around the house wearing a greasy tanktop, jeans, and a scowl.

I didn't know what the term "molested" meant back then, but nevertheless I was sure he had "molested" every single female in that household. They cowered in fear of him and his baritone voice.

His hands were made of leather, leather that was always working on a car engine.

I didn't know what Joe Six Pack meant back then, but I was sure he was it. The obvious sign was the abnormal beer gut that challenged the threads of his tight white dirty tanktop.

There's something to be said about how rooted orientation is in biology, because if he didn't scare you straight into the arms of a soft woman, then NOTHING would, and nothing did, so thank you hideous Six Pack Man, please vote for Palin...

I hope you lose your house.

-Deviant

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