Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Into The Mouth of Madness
Kevin's Fainting Spell

I was rushing home on the subway thinking to myself that this was it, "today is the day I go over the edge...I'm going crazy, I'll never be the same."

Around the trains they have signs telling you to inform your nearest MTA employee in case you feel light headed or generally ill. I stared at the MTA employee seated across the train, she was a burly black lady too busy yapping on her phone to even pay attention to how shoddy I looked.

"I'll take my chances passing out at home," I thought.

It started during the middle of the day where half of the cells in my body felt like they just gave up propping up my body. My coworker was talking to me about her treacherous friend who was acting like an immature high school girl, but I couldn't hear her because I was too busy trying to stay upright in my chair.

I was fainting! I got up to get some food but I continued to feel like I was about to plop right over. This is when I started feeling crazy, like I was crossing a mouth of madness.

If I fainted then what would I wake up as? Probably one of those public masturbators people run into on the LIRR.

I'd lose my job, lose my apartment, then I'd find a grocery cart on the street, set up camp around Penn station, and just MASTURBATE FURIOUSLY to all the pedestrians.

Maybe I'd grow a beard too?

I made it home and flopped onto my bed, my cell phone nearby in case I felt like really upping the drama and calling 911.

Fortunately that never came, but I did manage to sleep for about 3 hours, only awakening for periodic bouts of shivering...

I blame the pineapple I had in the morning. I didn't know it was so acidic as to cause dehydration! After loading up on water I was fine if only a little weak around the knees.

This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. I can't even do THAT properly!


David said...

That sounds awful! Glad you are feeling better.

Kevin said...

Thanks, no fainting for me now!