Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Becoming Awesome 2
Adult Supervision Required

Let's all agree on one thing, the most basic tenet of a great story is conflict. The best stories have lots of conflicts to overcome. A dragon needs to be slayed, a cure to an alien illness has to be found, and a princess needs to find true love.

If life is a story, and we're assuming its a good one here, then there has to be a central conflict that dominates throughout all of our lives.

What then is our great conflict? I don't think life sucks and then you die, that's a horrible story. First graders would run you out of town if you tried reading them that shit.

A few of you might think "well we probably have lots of little conflicts throughout life. Stuff like, 'I need to go to college' or 'I need to get over my mom's death...'"

But that's just lazy writing, especially since life has a very clear beginning, middle, and end! It's got characters, dialog, SETTING! Life is a book report waiting to happen, I get post-traumatic English class spasms just thinking about it.

So what is the central conflict of our life's story?

It started with me less than a year ago. I'd been invited to my boss' house party. It was a September 11th party which isn't as morbid as it sounds, I think it has something to do celebrating our unity...and alcohol.

At the time I had been drinking incorrectly, which is different from being an alcoholic. Alcoholics have an addiction to alcohol, people who drink incorrectly end up on waking up on a train covered in their own feces wondering "how and why how did this happen?"

Being an introvert by nature; navigating this party was akin to blindly feeling your way through a maze where the walls are pointed butcher knives. And so I drank and was charming, because I had started lightly studying extroversion that year; it's like studying religions but with less violence.

I made friends actually! I sat by the dining table and talked. There was music and dancing and then...not much...there was my pillow and some light drool around my mouth, my hand splayed across my bed and some tickling pin feeling over my body.

"Ah that was a good party...and no one was offended! I didn't make an ass of myself!" I honestly thought this to myself which means I had prepared for the worst.

And then I talked to a coworker:
"Fun party right!" I said.
"Yeah it was fun...I can't believe you called that girl a cunt, man" my coworker said.


"Yeah you don't remember, people were dancing and you just went up to this girl and said..."

"Hey, you know you're a huge cunt right?" I said while slurring my words.

My coworker continued. "She just threw a drink at your face hard, and then [our boss] tried to throw his drink at you but he missed and he fucking him me with his drink in the face!"

I'd acted out before while partying, and I'd dismissed complaints about my behavior as the whining of a sissified group of dipshits.

But I'd never called a woman a cunt before...ever! I was raised by a practical coven of women. I have the deepest respect for women, their attitudes and their level-headedness. When I needed advice while growing into a man, I'd ask the woman's opinion.

What had I turned into? I'm not afraid of words, I can say nigger fag cunt till the cows come home, but the CONTEXT, the ACT of calling someone a name in order to dimish them...I'd never done it before. It is almost an act of physical violence, an assault!

That was when I started to think about the question above. What is the conflict of our life's story?

I'm closer to that answer now, and I think it is the following:

We have to grow up in a mind that isn't wired to know how to do this that exists in a world that works against you becoming an adult.

Yeah ok I know, it's not "LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER" I never said a life's story was the greatest story ever told! I simply said there was a deeper conflict, and I think that is it, and I think this is the blog meant to solve this conflict for me.

I made the conscious decision that morning to grow up. To mature, become an adult, but it wouldn't just stop there for me.

"I would become awesome."

I would need role models, but where to look? Who to model myself after? I'd have to investigate.

Things settled as I started my new job, the incident came up a few times, but not to my complete detriment. I was like a shaolin monk in pursuit of awesomeness. I was David Carradine in Kung Fu (as opposed to Carradine in that hotel with the chocking and sex stuff). I'm going to be an adult now. I am going to be awesome...

Oh btw, the girl at the party in question, she ended up calling my cell phone one night and....well it turns out that she was actually a cunt...

(to be continued in "What Would Jesus Do?")



David said...

Some of us have known about the "drinking incorrectly" thing for some time now.

chaderik said...

Ugh, after a drunken night of debauchery last week . . . i checked my sent txt messages and drafts and there in my drafts (not sent thank gawd) was a "You fucking cunt!" Not a word I really use either. Why was I sending that and to who? I will never know?