Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Doctors: What Do They Know?
The Big Fucking Deal and You

Before something like RateMD we all just assumed our doctors knew everything and that they were simply the best of all possible worlds.

But it turns out Docs can be lazy pieces of shit just like we can be when we work. Sometimes we go full ass, often, it's half.

I hold a healthy wariness towards doctors which is why I end up simply riding out minor illnesses. My rule is a 3 day one, if I'm still feeling completely horrible on the 3rd day of a sickness then I'll consider going to a doctor.

It was with this thought that I swayed back and forth in a Bed Bath and Beyond in a pained haze while forcing myself to be out on this sunny Sunday with Fly G. The floor started undulating and I felt hyper conscious of my breathing. Fly G was very busy talking about the merits of purchasing a roomba.

"My friend says she doesn't a vacuum anymore! It's so smart and it goes around chairs and then it knows when it needs to recharge and it back ups right into its recharger. Boop! You see that? It just knows where to go!"
"I think...I have to go home." I said.
"Are you ok? Are you sure?"

I was and I left. A very painful stomach bug had made me it's host and put a major cramp in my social life (I had to stop drinking for 3 days, can you imagine?).

Mother had sage advice, "drink lemon tea, have Pepto Bismol, rest a LOT."

She's usually wrong as mother's are, for instance, washing your hair and going out in the cold doesn't give you the flu, and if you push the tip of your nose upwards it won't possibly 'stay that way.'

Mom saved me a trip to the doctor this time. I felt better after my 3rd day with just tea rest and a Pepto.

Yes, I have health insurance. How do I have health insurance? By the skin of my balls is how. I've proven to myself that I'm remarkably adept at winging it with the ferocity of a cornered fox in a burning building. If I could blow on a trumpet I'd teach Louis Armstrong how to play some better Jazz.

Fly G has health care too. Very good healthcare

"I have pills for anxiety..
Xanax!" He went on with a list of 3 other pills he had gotten from his doctor. He seemed to be almost boasting

"Oh and I got a new one, Lunesta! It helps you sleep!" He said.
"I've seen the commercials. They have the glowing butterfly flying around all the people who are really stoned." I replied
"Yes! I got some now." Fly G trailed off and followed with a wise non sequitur, "don't become a pill popper."

When the Big Fucking Deal passed live on the web my stomach felt better. I ascribe wholly to the peer reviewed and proven idea that the mind can control the body, and when the mind is clear the body rids itself of diseases. The Big Fucking Deal isn't perfect, and a lot of our doctors are--quite frankly--shit, but as Robocop once famously told his partner when he told her the moon looked lovely and she replied that they were out in broad daylight...

"It's the thought that counts."

Some people believe that health care isn't a right; no doubt these same people believe that eating one's own children is perfectly reasonable under certain common circumstances. I believe we should at least continue to strive to pretend to be something approaching a 'civilized society.' I know this is tough to do when we're killing everything that moves and when we refuse to adopt the metric system (yeah never happening under my roof Europe), but again, it is the thought that counts at the very least.

As for me, I am back to full health and partial sanity and I wouldn't have it any other way.



David said...

I trust my doctor, but I also follow the three day rule, and I resist running for the OTC meds at the first sniffle or what-have-you.

kevin said...

OH I follow the three day rule too! I don't trust my doc. I need a new one.