Sunday, May 30, 2010

How I'm Ending This Blog

My mad Irish sociology professor scribbled the word onto the chalkboard.


As he explained the meaning I felt the guttural pain of being classified. Deviants violate cultural norms. It was this moment where it all made sense. Post-pubescent confusion fell off me like an old snake skin.

I was on a beach in Los Angeles reading Moby Dick when I decided to start this blog. I pinned grains of sand between my feet as I wrote in my notebook the words "Deviant."

I was 18 years old.

After several entries I started to share my blog, and it was found by the editor in chief of XY magazine. Several of my entries were published including one about my first love who I met at a Pride fair. I showed my love the article and we kissed in the back of my car. He later broke my heart.

The editor in chief of XY offered me a job as managing editor, and I accepted. I quit school and moved to San Diego and lived in a hotel paid for by the company. I spent my first Christmas away from my family in a house full of queers. My friend made me rip up the photo I carried of my first love.

I was 19.

XY's editor in chief wanted to move to London, so I went along. London was the last place I thought I'd end up in being a poor boy from Inglewood who was raised in a studio apartment with 6 other people. I did Special K in the stall of a bathroom with friends and I felt like I was walking on gravy.

I was 20.

I was supposed to move to New York with the job but the job fell through. Nevertheless I had visited New York and fallen in love with the city when I saw a Burger King employee give a rude customer the middle finger. For the second time in my life I felt the same guttural pain I'd felt when my sociology teacher wrote the word Deviant on his chalkboard, but this time it was stronger.

New York is what I was, and I was 21.

I made quite a few friends and acquaintances here, as well as more than a few loves and enemies. I met Fly G--one of my best friends--and in his mania I found a home for my restless soul. When my roommate in Harlem threatened me with a knife I called the cops and left with a few bags and I went to Fly G's apartment, he let me stay over as I sobbed uncontrollably.

I was...well I don't remember. New York is where I forget my age. This city has a way of making you feel eternal.

And I look at this blog and it isn't quite who I am anymore. The wangst of yesteryear has been replaced with something different and maybe a bit more perilous.

I am 27 and will be 28 in about a week. Deviant ends now. I have owed this blog my life because without it I wouldn't be sitting in this apartment in Brooklyn. This little blog has actually shaped my life, do you understand? But it no longer is my life.

Deviant, it was real. I thought the black background with white text was a good idea at the time so I apologize for all the eye straining it caused. I know better now though.

And as this blog closes I continue. What happens to a Deviant that has to grow up? You can find out along with me.




[ im'mature ] said...

"It's the end of an era", "this is beautiful and poignant", etc, etc. :o)

But somewhere in that sea of instinctive platitudes, there's a truthfulness that underscores every word.

I will miss Deviant...and I will look forward to making a new acquaintance.

WIlde American said...

well, kevin, this is truly the end of an era...

i think i've been visiting your blog from the start. i discovered it through xy and have followed it periodically since. i don't know why exactly. maybe because i see part of my past reflected in your journey.. la.. sf.. late 90's weho...

we almost worked together. but i was a crazy depressed hollywood lunatic, prone to mood swings and not following through, so it didn't work out.

i once told you that as you get older, you become a concentrated version of your true self, everything else falls away. i called it your "core personality" -- you told me i was batshit crazy. i wonder if the theory holds true.

so it's time to say goodbye to the deviant. it was inevitable actually -- like guy and madonna's divorce. but it was a fun ride nonetheless. no one can be a deviant forever (except larry clark).

good luck with the new blog.

your friend, nick

Anonymous said...

This is one of the 5-6 blogs I have continually followed since first getting on the internet 10 years ago. I stopped reading every entry in the last year or so, but I always loved reading what you had to say here.

I'm glad you will not be completely gone, though, and that you will still have a presence online with the new blog, even if perhaps you won't be posting in the same (personal) way that you used to.